A Grieving Girl's Blog

My name is Soline Van de Moortele, and I would like to personally thank you for visiting my blog and reading my posts. I am dedicated to creating a series of blog posts on my personal experience with losing my father at 22, as well as provide a platform for other people to share their experience with grief. If you would like to contribute, please email : agrievinggirlblog@gmail.com

In October, 2019, my father was diagnosed with a very rare and terribly aggressive brain tumor which would come to claim his life three years and a month later. At the time of the diagnosis, I was 19 years old.

After receiving a first batch of treatments in 2019 and the beginning of 2020, my father appeared fully stable and did not experience any symptoms of his cancer for a year. At that time I was living in Montreal for my studies, and while my father’s cancer affected me deeply, I trusted that so long as no news was given, all was well.

In February 2021, during the pandemic, I was staying in France with my family while completing my studies online. On February 24th, when I was staying with my grandma in Nice, my parents texted me asking if they could call me. I was in class and immediately knew that something was wrong.

Indeed, when I finally called them, they announced to me that when my father went to complete a post-chemo check up a year after his last treatment, they noticed a re-growth in his brain tumor. I was shattered and realized that the cancer was not over, and that there was something terminal about it all, and at this point I experienced anticipatory grief for the first time.

What is Anticipatory Grief?

Anticipatory grief, as per its title, is the mental state someone is in when the death of a person or themselves appears to be imminent. It does not require that someone be diagnosed as suddenly terminally ill – in my case, for example, doctors were not expecting my father’s death to arrive at any moment. Rather, it was the mere possibility of his death that suddenly engulfed my life.

What is difficult with anticipatory grief is the feeling of total suspension. The person is not yet dead, yet the possibility of death looms around them and you are left waiting, anticipating, imaging and fearing the worst scenarios. 

There is no cookie-cutter version of how one experiences anticipatory grief. It is something that may also spring about spontaneously. If you have experienced a recent or traumatic death in your life, you may feel yourself at times apprehending the inevitable death of your loved ones still alive, which is perfectly normal.

My Experience with Anticipatory Grief

It felt as though I was somehow floating through space and time, rather than existing within it. 

Prior to my father’s passing, I had very few experiences with the death of close ones. At eight years old I lost my grandfather, which greatly impacted me at the time because of the vertiginous feeling of loss, but until recently death was not something particularly present in my life.

So feeling that my father could pass away was an abstract idea I could barely grapple with. I didn’t have a framework for thinking through these things, and my father’s incredible positivity made it so we did not speak so much about the possibility of his eventual death. With the pandemic raging, it felt as though I had lost all control of my life.

The worst of my anticipatory grief happened during the two months prior to his passing. I could feel, deep down, that something was terribly wrong, and that what I took to be such a strong foundation for my life could dissipate in a moment. 

While nothing could prepare me for the experience of his death and what has ensued in the past five months since then, I can still feel something of a continuum between my state of anticipatory grief and what I feel today. That is the deep and total numbness both my physical and mental states have been in.

Grief, Dissociation, and the Difficulty with Balance

I don’t mean to claim any psychological facts, but I do believe that our physiology has some defense mechanisms it deploys in moments of deeply traumatic events. Once my father’s paralysis began to grow, and he was hospitalized and began to decline cognitively (though this was something we were to a certain extent in denial of), I entered into a deep dissociation I have not left since.

In fact, the effects did not begin merely with the idea of his eventual death. Grief is multifaceted and complex: I was simultaneously grieving a trust I had in my parents’ lives’ longevity, the innocence of my early twenties, and the possibility of having any kind of family life similar to what I had prior to the degradation of his cancer. The absence of his presence in my life was so profoundly inconceivable that even when I tried to imagine his passing, my mind hit a blank.

All forms of grief, whether that be anticipatory, immanent, or prolonged grief, are complex in their own ways, and have effects in our lives we sometimes realize only much later. The difficulty is trying to find a balance between accepting and feeling that grief, learning to continue living with it, while trying to adapt to a society (in the West, at least) which allows no room for grief in our day-to-day lives.

Learning to Navigate Anticipatory Grief

Learning to navigate any form of grief is a deeply personal journey. No two experiences with grief are the same. In the case of anticipatory grief, I can only offer some advice on how to adapt in our current, fast-paced and disconnected world.

Communicating with Loved Ones What you are Going Through

Communicating with loved ones what you are going through is the first step in creating a network of support to help you manage and live through your anticipatory grief. Communicate your needs, as well, and see what kind of support the people around you can offer. Note that this does replace professional support, which is a very important tool to consider when grieving.

Get in Touch with a Professional

When you find the right professional, therapy can be a game changer. There are many services which allow for sliding scale or sometimes even free sessions. Friends, family, and loved ones can be a great source of support, but they may at times be themselves overwhelmed by the grief or unsure as to what to say to best support you.

Taking Time to Process Your Emotions 

The kinds of emotions that will spring up during grief are always new and changing. It can be a terrifying experience to have your emotional state change everyday, especially when you are dealing with something so abstract such as anticipatory grief.

Writing as a Powerful Tool to Navigate Your Feelings

I will later write a post dedicated to writing, but it has quite literally saved my life. Incorporating 30 minutes of writing everyday helps to better identify, understand, and process your emotions. It is a powerful way to reconnect with yourself in a way you may not be able to do in thoughts.

Give Yourself Time to Rest – Your Body Probably Needs it

All forms of grief exhaust not only the mind but the body as well. The link is intricate and difficult as it is, properly eating, resting, and taking care of your body is crucial to get through the days and alleviate certain symptoms of grief.

Your anticipatory grief is always unique and personal. I know mine was, and it changed over time into different forms. As usual, be gentle to yourself, give yourself some love, and take time to process the grief both in your mind and in your body.

With love,

Soline